There was a fatal stabbing on my train the other week. This guy stabbed an older Vietnamese or Chinese man for no apparent reason, walked to the end of my car, and LASD apprehended him. Don’t know why he did what, as I didn’t see him do it. It happened in the car attached to mine, and he walked into my car when we stopped in Duarte.
I can’t get a concealed carry permit in LA county. The reasoning is terrible. Being easy to kill and valuing your own life isn’t enough of a reason for LA. Orange County is easier. In all the places I could carry a gun for self defense, I don’t feel the need for it, and where I can’t, I want one most. Fucked up. I don’t have nice things to say about keeping good people defenseless.
I’ve gone on a few dates lately. I don’t remember the last time I experienced ‘chemistry’, but I easily remember the number of times I’ve been rejected for lack of it. I rarely find someone attractive until I know them decently well enough, and I don’t think I meet enough girls who are similar. It seems everyone know within two dates whether they like you or not, where I am very patient and know that I don’t always like someone right away. In fact, I didn’t like most of my close friends right off the bat, often finding them difficult to deal with, or disagreeable in some ways. In time, you see more of a person, and I fell in love with them, as it were, and I still love them. They are the center of my existence.
Dating can be tiresome. I do enjoy meeting new people and learning about them, and it’s ok to tell some stories about yourself as well, but it is especially challenging for me here in LA without a car and working low wages, living with family, to make things work. I’ve gone on countless dates via dating websites, and have not once entered into a relationship with any of them. I’ve only met girlfriends in person. I also am rarely in a relationship, being one of those people as opposed to those who always seem to have someone, which is a lonely existence. I feel loneliest when surrounded by the most people. I could be sleeping alone in the mountains or desert somewhere, away from anyone I know for weeks, and I wouldn’t be lonely. One day in Los Angeles and I feel it in my chest.
Some observations I’ve made on dating sites (OKCupid, Bumble, and Tinder):
-I received more matches and attention in WA and OR than CA.
-Girls up north are easier to talk to, and more open to conversation.
-Girls in LA often look like Kardashian Klones. I find that look very unattractive, not that my opinion matters much other than I own a penis.
-Up north, girls tended to look more ‘normal’, less makeup, less fake looking, more reasonably priced clothes and whatnot.
-Girls up north tend to go outside. Lots of girls here state they like hiking, and while I know I probably am more outdoorsy than most, their definition of hiking tends to be in cool weather, no snow, and less than 3 miles. My brain is a universe of endless twists and turns, and I need more than 3 miles to unravel a single arm of a galaxy within it. Good luck with that, me.
-I think the inclusion of the ACLU as a prime point in OKCupid is silly, considering how that organization tends to pick and choose their battles, defending criminals at times and letting good people fight alone.
-I get it, you’re all liberal. No, I didn’t vote for Trump. I don’t like salesmen, and I’m not a republican. You probably don’t have to list your political ideals, as that’s the standard here.
-I’m assuming the overwhelming use of the word ‘sarcastic’ as a descriptor has to do with the deluge of low-quality messages girls get from guys, amongst other things. Sarcasm is cool, but I’ve met some real harsh girls who turned me off real fast. You’re meeting a new person, so just kinda chill with it at first, and slowly add more heat until the water is just right.
-OKCupid changed their software so that in order for me to view a message, both her and I must ‘like’ each other. It might be a mobile device application only feature, perhaps, as I don’t use a computer for this, but it hampers the experience. I can see how it helps those who get many messages, but Bumble already does that in a much simpler and meaningful way with their system.
I go on dates for a while, get tired from being busy, take a break for a few months, and then give in and download the apps again sometime later. I’m human, and I seek companionship, and it’s been exceedingly difficult to find in my life, so I keep going back. I rarely meet girls in my normal life, and obviously I’m not going to flirt with girls while I’m at work for many reasons, so it makes sense. Sometimes I meet girls who become friends, which is great, but I already am lucky enough to have a huge family of friends, and I want to spend more time with them. I don’t have enough time to divide up between all of my people, let alone adding new friends to the mix.
I got to thinking the other day that it could be advantageous to legalize prostitution. My buddies tried to get me a hooker in boot camp, and I turned that down repeatedly. I wonder if there would be someone you could get to know for a little bit before you paid them for sex? Some sorta soft hooker lady who was clean and had manners and shit like that. Maybe I’ll just meditate my sex drive away. My sex drive was super low on my tours in 2015 and 16, but it was super high this year for some reason, and with no outlet. Made for some excellent stories about how hard it is to jack off in a no-zip bivy sack. Another reason to buy a tent. Not having $3-500 is a better reason not to. Good ain’t cheap, but that’s a rant for another day.
I don’t know how I could meet new girls with my fucked up lifestyle. There are so many challenges I have to overcome just to hang out with anyone, and trying to meet someone new in a dating context adds to that significantly. Just not having a car here is huge. I’ve had girls tell me straight up that not having a car wouldn’t work out. I get it, really I do. And honestly I feel like a fool being an outsider like this, having to lock my bike to a tree and dodge distracted drivers to meet for a coffee. I once got stood up by a girl in Long Beach, giving me a 70 mile ride for nothing. I was pissed that I lost a day off to that. I find it fucked up that someone will simply stop replying to you when they’re in a vulnerable position like that. No reason given, no excuses, no nothing, just silence.
Still I try. I am happy being with my own company, but love is simply the very best thing I’ve ever experienced, and by this point in my life I’ve experienced a few things that were pretty great. I could become sour and be a dick about all this, but that would be short-sighted, and would discount (struggling to find the right word there) all the amazing women I know who would never do that to someone. I had a thought lately that’s been bouncing around in my head, and that is that if I don’t have anyone to give my love to as it were, I could simply give more love to those around me. Just ask more, give more, care more, that kinda stuff. It can be challenging to do that when you’re you, and you have to isolate or compartmentalizen many of your emotions, for they do you no service otherwise. It is all a lifelong project, anyway.
I hope there aren’t too many spelling errors in this post. Autocorrect often changes my correctly spelled words into different ones based on whatever algorithm they use to determine autofill or whatever.